At that age vs. do hard things

Clay took the youth group to a conference in Louisville this weekend and the theme was “Do Hard Things.” I was only able to go to one session, but the message that I heard was excellent. The main speakers were two brothers who are travelling the country trying to inspire teenagers to rise above the meager expectations that society has placed upon them and “do hard things”, i.e. live a holy life filled with excellence and achievement, far beyond simply existing and not getting into too much trouble.

In our experience working with youth, we’ve seen a few kids who seemed excited about living for Christ, or who seemed to really work hard to excel in one area or another. Some were passionate about one thing, some about another. But most seemed content to simply go to school, maybe play a sport or an instrument and then lie around watching tv or playing on the computer the rest of the time. We’ve had some kids who we know have parents who seemed to be godly men and women, but did not require their kids to even come to church if the student didn’t want to. Just this morning I was speaking with a dad who excused his daughter’s absence today by saying she wanted to be with her friends. He then went on to say, “She’s at that age, you know, where we’re just not cool to be around anymore,” then chuckled and shrugged as if to say, “What can you expect?”

Well, therein lies the problem. Nothing more is expected. I realize that my oldest child just turned six, and therefore my experience parenting teenagers is nonexistent, so I really have no box to stand on here, but I think it’s a safe assumption that when Abigail is a teenager, she will be at church with us whether she thinks we’re cool or not. It will be expected, therefore it will happen. Parents are going right along with society today and expecting little to nothing of their teenagers. And unfortunately, that’s usually what they get. Why do we stop and marvel everytime we hear of a teenager doing something extraordinary, liking writing a book or working hard to help those in need? It’s because it’s so incredibly rare. But why is it rare? Why are more teenagers not stepping up and becoming passionate about something more than who their date for homecoming will be? It’s because it’s not expected. (Did I mention, by the way, that the conference speakers were 19? This morning was not the first time I’ve heard a parent excuse their lack of parenting by saying their child was “at that age.” However, this weekend was the first time I’ve heard a public challenge for teenagers to step and and do hard things.

Hard things, as pointed out yesterday, do not have to be big extraordinary things. Brett Harris, yesterday’s speaker and one of the brothers, gave several examples of what “hard things” might look like. It’s easy, but wrong, to be disrespectful and disobedient; it’s hard, but right, to honor your parents. It’s easy, but wrong, to be prideful; it’s hard, but right, to put on humility. To keep the same theme going: it’s easy, but wrong, to zone out during the sermon or Bible study with a “This is so boring” attitude; it’s hard, but right, to train your mind to focus and discover what the Holy Spirit wants to teach you. It’s easy, but wrong, to be easily angered, or easily offended, or easily irritated; it’s hard, but right, to practice self-control and forgiveness and peace-making. You could go on and on and on, coming up with examples for every stage of life. For parents, it’s easy, but wrong, to give into your kids–whatever their age–and let them have/do what they want; it’s hard, but right, to step up and be the parent and teach them self-control and self-restraint and self-discipline. It’s easy, but wrong, to excuse their behavior by saying, “Well, they’re just at that age”; it’s hard, but right, to place great expectations on our children and then invest in them so that they live up to those expectations. If it becomes expected, it will start happening, as far-fetched as you may think it sounds.

As a parent, I was sitting there listening and just feeling excited about helping my kids achieve greatness, even if it’s in everyday life as opposed to something that gains a lot of recognition. Clay and I are trying to place expectations on our kids to be respectful and mannerly; to perform their endeavors, whether gymnastics or schoolwork, with excellence and not just mediocrity. I am excited to watch them follow our homeschooling curriculum, which becomes fairly rigorous as it advances. I am excited to find ways to push them beyond society’s expectations of teenagers as they get older. But you know what? I was feeling challenged personally as well as I sat and listened to this message. How am I at doing the hard things? Am I content with mediocrity in my life, or do I push myself to live out my day in excellence? Do I shy away from certain tasks or responsibilities simply because I’m afraid they’ll be hard? I’m afraid all too often the answer is yes. So I’m exploring in my own life what “hard things” I need to step up and accomplish. It might just be responding with patience instead of irritation the 47th time my child hollers, “She took away!” It might be simply spending more time on tasks around the house even when I’m tired, and less time checking email and Facebook on my iPod (ouch, that one kind of hurt!). It might be training my mind to dig deeper into the Scriptures in the mornings, memorizing larger chunks and spending more time in meditation. Or it might mean going after something bigger, stepping outside my current comfort zones and acheiving some task that I haven’t yet achieved.

What are the “hard things” you need to start doing? Are you just “at that age”, whether that age is a teenager, or in your comfortable retirement, and therefore think that nothing is expected out of you? Or are you willing to forget society’s expectations of whatever stage of life you find yourself in and step up to do the hard things, to live an excellent, extraordinary life?

In response

After reading some of the responses to my book review on Family Driven Faith, and rereading my original post, I feel the need to clarify a few things:

1) Let me just say that I still agree wholeheartedly with his philosophy as far as families worshipping together. Now, this does not mean that I will never send my kids to any kind of group activity with kids their own age, or that I will never let them be influenced by other adults. I’m not sure how Baucham’s church operates, but when Clay and I had dreamed about this type of church, we envisioned a church with age-integrated worship and even a few (not all) classes, yes. But we realized that age-segregated Sunday school or Bible study still has important benefits for all ages that should not be overlooked. And we also envisioned extra times when parents or other adults in the church would take the initiative to coordinate and chaperone kid and teen activities outside of regular church hours. These would be great times for children and youth to be together, being mentored by other adults, studying and discussing topics that are relevant to them at their stage of life, and just building good relationships. So I’m not saying that I want my kids with me and only with me all the time, or that I don’t want them in groups at times with other kids their own age talking about age-relevant issues. I’m sorry if it came across that way.

2) Another issue is that I don’t think people give kids enough credit. Abigail sits still through an entire worship service without making hardly a peep, and most of the time she has no clue what is going on. But she is learning things, as well. She is learning self-control, to sit still even when things are not entertaining to her. She is learning the songs and the routine involved with a worship service. And little by little, she’ll start to pick up things from the prayers and sermons as well. Then, when she’s in middle school, high school, or college, whatever age the kids join the adults at any given church, she won’t have to have a harsh adjustment to “big” church, which could leave a negative taste in her mouth toward worship services after spending so many years in a kid-focused service. If children are taught from the beginning, they will learn and act appropriately even if they don’t understand what’s going on. Now, some questions will always be raised here. One, what about kids who don’t come with their parents? In this case, a wonderful solution would be for an adult with no or grown children to step in and take over the role of training that child. Now that child has a mentor that could be very special to them, and that adult has a new and very rewarding place of service. Also, what about parents who serve during the worship service, like as musicians or in the choir? In this case, there could be a couple solutions. For us, we gave up the choir for the more important (in our eyes) task of training our children. Or one parent could sit with the kids while the other one serves. I don’t have all the answers for every situation, but I do know that a sad truth is, that in a lot of churches, at least the ones I’ve seen, “children’s church” does absolutely nothing to train children in worship. They may color, sing, eat snacks, play games, watch skits or puppets, but that does nothing to help them know what’s expected when they finally graduate to “big” church, and then they get a culture shock, and after years of the hour being focused on them instead of them focusing on God, it’s no wonder most older kids and teenagers think the worship service is boring.

3) Next, I think that I really lean more toward a happy medium, but one that is closer to integration than segregation. As I said in my original post, we are taking our kids to the worship service, but not to our Sunday school classes. Lots of good things can go on in children and youth Sunday school, depending on the teacher, and my children have grown to love their teachers each year. And it’s good for the adults to have a time for serious, in-depth Bible study, where topics may be discussed that are not appropriate for children. Also, we won’t expect our children to sit through the entire worship service until they are 4 or 5; right now, Abigail stays the whole time and I take Catherine to her class right before the sermon. She gets to participate in the songs, prayers, and offering, all of which are aspects of worship that a three year old can understand. And as I stated above, I think there need to be times, especially for middle and high school, and maybe even college, when they are in a group of peers and trusted adults and can discuss biblically the issues that are specific to their age, like modesty, dating/courtship, and being a bold witness on campus. So, I will say that I think a blend of integration and segregation would be my ideal. HOWEVER, I will unashamedly say that most churches are way too segregated. The church body, while not made up solely of families, is itself one big family, and if someone goes to church and never has significant interaction with anyone outside of his or her age range or life situation, then the family as a whole will suffer. We need elderly, middle age, young singles, young marrieds, college age, teens, kids, preschoolers, married with kids, married without kids, divorced, widowed, everyone mingling and interacting with each other, more than just at the occasional potluck meal. Each group can learn much from the other, and would become incredibly stunted in their spiritual growth if they remain in their own little bubble, as is the trend these days with all the special-focus groups that are popping up all over the place. Another point from which I will not back down, is that a full and separate children and youth ministry could make it way too easy for parents to delegate their responsibility of training up their children to the paid staff member in charge of that age group. There will be times in my kids’ lives, I’m sure, that they will find guidance, comfort, or spiritual support from adults other than their dad and me. And this is good. They need to have spiritual mentors and guides other than us. But who is to be the primary adult guide for them? We are. When my husband was a youth pastor, there were several instances of parents asking him to talk to their kids about spiritual or moral issues, and they had not even done so themselves first. They just asked him because he was the youth pastor, so that was his job, not theirs. This is a danger in a church that does not do everything they can to equip the parents to disciple their own children. As I said in the other post, I want my kids coming to me to talk first and foremost, and then hopefully the guidance that we give them as we’ve prayed over and invested in their lives, would then be supplemented if they choose next to go to someone else as well. But as issues crop up in my kids that I think need addressing, they will be addressed by Clay and myself. We may encourage a mentoring relationship secondarily, but it is our role first and foremost.

4) Finally, I will say that the church that I’ve described and have envisioned in my mind, does not exist in most places. I understand that a lot of this is in a dream world. The church I attend now is not like this, my home church is not like this, no church I’ve ever been a part of is like this. So we will adapt our ideals as best we can to the church we’re in at the time. In order for this type of integration to take place, the entire church would have to be on board. And since a booming children’s or youth or singles or college ministry is a huge trend and goal in church life today, I don’t really look for a big rise in age-integrated churches anytime soon. But it really gives one something to think about, doesn’t it? And for those of you who still just do not agree with me or my views, that’s perfectly fine. I’ve said elsewhere on this blog, that the beauty of Christian liberty is that we can disagree in love without barriers in our relationships. Feel free to think I’m weird for my views (frankly, sometimes I think I’m weird myself), just don’t let it come between us.

Riding in cars with babies

When our first child was six months old, we moved from our hometown to Louisville, a little over 2 hours away. Going back and forth regularly, our little Abigail became quite the traveler. Then, the week before our second child’s first birthday, we moved north to our current home, which is about 5 1/2 hours from our hometown. Our trips back and forth became a little less frequent. However, we still pile in the van for a six hour trip one way more often than most families might. As a result, all three of our girls are really quite good at traveling. However, buckling kids into carseats for hours on end will tend to cause some chaos, no matter how well-seasoned they are.

In the spirit of honesty, as I try to be as honest as possible on this blog, the scenarios that follow are a culmination of several years of long car rides, and did not happen all on one trip. However, they did all happen to us at one time or another.

The Way I Wish Things Were:

In a dream world, we would leave for Somerset about ten in the morning, all pottied up and buckled in and happy to be going. Our girls would have their little stashes of books, Color Wonder markers (they don’t write on anything but the special paper), and baby dolls, that would be sufficient to entertain them for the whole trip. If they wanted something that the other had, they would work out a trade or sharing arrangement amicably and peacefully. They would have a little baggie of Goldfish or something and a little drink that would hold them over until lunch, and they would be completely satisfied with that. We would pop in a movie in our handy dandy DVD player, or a CD in the stereo, and that would result in their undivided attention being placed somewhere other than trying to talk to Mommy and Daddy. We wouldn’t hear a peep out of them until the first movie was over, at which point we would stop for lunch. The babies’ nursing schedules and nap schedules would of course coincide perfectly with our driving times and stop times. After lunch, we would repeat the previous patterns for part two of the ride, after which we would arrive safe and sound in Somerset, in time to rest or play awhile before supper, and then go to bed on time and get a full night’s rest. The whole thing would then happen in reverse on the way home a few days later.
The Way Things Really Are:

In reality, however, the above rarely happens. Most often, it is 4:00 or later before we get to head out on the road due to Daddy’s work schedule, so we’ve already put in a full day before even beginning the adventure called a road trip. We’re ready for supper before we’ve even gotten to Indy. We’ll get drive-through and head out, just in time to drive through downtown Indy during rush hour. We’re behind before we’ve really gotten started. We give the girls their stashes of entertainment, and they have their food and drink. But within ten minutes, they’ve dropped their “bugger” (as Abigail calls a burger) in the floor, or spilled their drink because they disobeyed and took the lid off anyway, or just hollered that they’re done after one bite, and now can they have a treat because they weren’t really hungry for chicken, they’re actually hungry for Cheeto’s.

Once the food issues are resolved, usually by us just saying, “Well, you know you should be more careful not to drop things; we’ll stop in a little while and you can pick it up or we’ll get you a snack,” then come the struggles with the “stuff.” When we drove a Ford Focus and the girls dropped their book or baby or blankie, I could reach it to give it back to them. In a mini-van, this is impossible. Yet after more than a year of riding in a van and being told, “Mommy can’t reach it, you’ll have to wait until we stop”, they still have a major crisis when they inevitably drop their things.  Within minutes, the “stuff” is either in the floor or they “just don’t want to play with that right now, it’s kind of boring, you know.”  So, then they start asking the age-old questions: “How much longer?” “Are we in Kentucky or still in Indiana?” “Can we have a few minutes to play when we get to Nanny’s?”  “Are we there yet?” “Will Aunt Gertie be there?”  “Can I have a snack?” “When will we stop?” After a few minutes of trying to holler back over the road noise and music, the DVD goes in–the one that is supposed to mesmerize them into silence for at least 70 minutes. This doesn’t work either. They  suddenly need to narrate the journey to us:  “Mom, did you see that blue truck?”  “Daddy, that truck says UPS, that’s where you used to work!”  “Elisabeth’s crying! (My personal favorite, as if we didn’t hear her ourselves.)  Their little voices barely carry over the noise, so after several rounds of “What? What? WHAT?” we finally give up and say, “Mommy and Daddy can’t hear you. Don’t talk to Mommy and Daddy. Watch your movie. You can talk to us when we stop.” Hardly the loving attention a good parent would give their child.

What would help make the trips easier:

Clay and I have fantasized off and on about how to get from reality to dreamland.  One thing that would really help is to have a sound-proof screen that can go up between the front and back of the van.  When you’re on the road, there are so many times that you just can’t do anything about what is going on in the backseat unless you want to stop every fifteen minutes.  When the requests and complaints, or just the noise, gets to be too much, just put the screen up.  This would also be helpful when driving at night or naptime so Mommy and Daddy can talk without waking anyone up, or when the front and back sectors disagree on what music should be played.  Our other miracle invention would be a long stick with another hand attached to it, to pick up all the stuff that gets dropped.  Then our kids would get more than two bites of their supper, toys would get played with instead of ending up under seats for the next three months, pacifiers or sippy cups could be returned to baby, or we could even use it to take away that which has been fought over for the past twenty minutes, thereby restoring some order of peace.  If anyone invents these things, please let me know.  I’ll be glad to be your tester.

This is all just minor stuff, I realize, par for the course when driving with children.  And yes, we do have stretches of relative peace.  (If we didn’t, if it was constantly chaotic, I’m not sure we would make it home as often as we do.)  But we have had some “bigger” moments over the years.  Moments like the heart-stopping one driving down the Watterson Expressway in Louisville when Catherine was 9 months old and Abigail, suddenly but calmly, said, “Catherine’s standing up.”  Turning around, I saw that she had managed to finagle her way out of her carseat buckle and was standing up in it looking out the back window.  I am just thankful that Clay had the presence of mind to brake carefully and slowly, pulling over to the shoulder instead of slamming his brakes on in a knee-jerk reaction and sending her flying through the car.  We’re old pros at that now; Catherine did it twice more before we finally switched her into a big girl carseat (early), and Elisabeth has already done it once.  Then there are the fun times when Elliot the dog gets carsick.  The first time we had absolutely nothing to clean it up with; Clay was not with us, it was just me and my mom and the girls.  We had to stop at the nearest Target to buy towels, where I then got to clean up the mess and try to figure out how to work his fancy dog-halter-seatbelt thing all by myself.  Lovely.  Of course there will be times when diapers just don’t hold stuff in, which sometimes also requires a trip to Target for an unplanned new outfit!  I won’t go into to details on that one.  When the babies are young, they will absolutely refuse to nurse when we stop at the anticipated time, only to start screaming 20 minutes later, requiring yet another stop.  There are even times, thankfully just one to date, when Mommy is driving to Somerset by herself, it’s pushing midnight, and yes, that thump was someone’s dog, cracking my front fender.  Then there are the fun times when all the sudden Mommy or Daddy get sick, requiring an urgent and immediate pull-over.  Again, no details here.  Yes, pretty much anything can happen when you’re riding in cars with babies.

But as I said, it’s not always horrific.  It is always chaotic.  We have just learned to train our minds to expect nothing in the way of tranquility and smoothness, and just take everything in stride.  When we accept that there probably will be moments when all three kids are crying at the same time (have you ever heard that in a van?  It’s deafening.),  and when we let go of the assumption that they will sleep, no matter what time of day we’re traveling, then the moments of good behavior take us by surprise and we count it a successful journey.  So, for all of you who ask us every time we’re in town how soon we’ll be back, please remember this post.  (That shouldn’t be hard; it’s ended up being almost as long as our trips.)  It is no simple matter to come home for a weekend.  We love you and we’d love to see more of you, but….riding in cars with babies is not for the faint of heart.

5 or less

Enter into a dream world with me.  An idea has been turning over in my mind for a couple of years that I finally just fleshed out yesterday:  a drive through grocery store.

It’s called “5 or less.”  It’s for those times when all you need is milk, stamps, and diapers, but you don’t want to have to fool with heavy coats, unbuckling and unloading three kids, trying to get across the parking lot without your kids feeling the need to jump in the snow piles or the puddles, taking ten minutes to get everyone situated in the cart to their liking, and searching all over the store to find your three items.  It’s for those times when the rain is pouring down and you just don’t want to get out of your car.  It’s even for times that you need milk for breakfast cereal but you don’t want to take the time to get fully dressed and hair fixed first.

We have drive-thru’s for dinner, breakfast, banks, prescriptions, coffee, heck, even cigarettes.  Why can’t we have them for stamps and diapers (the two items I find myself buying by themselves most often)?

So my husband and I fleshed this out.  There would only be two doors in the building, one for shipping and receiving, and one for employees.  You would not need as much space as a grocery store, because you could store everything much more compactly since only the employees will be using the shelves.  You also wouldn’t need carts or multiple checkout aisles or lots of fancy marketing displays.  For simplicity’s sake, you would only stock limited brands and sizes of each item, but hey, beggars can’t be choosy.  If someone wants a specific brand and size, they can go to that other store and try to dodge the raindrops on their way in.  You could have a window on each side so that you could serve two customers at once.  The customer just pulls up to the window, gives you their list of 5 items or less, and off you go with your basket to fill their order.  It’s up to you if you want to offer meats, frozen food, and produce.  And hey, if someone has a larger list but they just really don’t want to get out of the van, they can just keep circling the building and get their things five at a time until their list is crossed off.

I have neither the capital or time necessary to open this store myself.  But if someone else would please do it, I’m sure we would get to know each other quite well because I would be there all the time.