Convictions from a wife’s heart

Recently I have had several occasions to think deeply about what it means to be a godly wife.  Through a couple of books I’ve read, a couple of classes I’ve taught, a couple of classes I’ve attended, and just a few conversations I’ve had, the Holy Spirit has been working to strengthen convictions that were already strong in my heart, as well as to show me areas where conviction was needed but was lacking.  I share them here so that I can publicly commit to my husband to be striving for more consistent obedience in these areas, and also so that maybe others can be encouraged by the Spirit’s work in a sister-in-Christ.

I’ve been convicted of:

*  the truth that my call to obedience as a wife does not depend on my husband’s obedience.  I should not hold submission and respect in my hand, only releasing them if he indeed loves me as Christ loves the church.  I should not spend my time evaluating my husband, adjusting my treatment of him to his treatment of me.  Instead, I should simply obey Scripture:  submit to his leadership, respect him, love him, serve him.   I should do these things just as if he is laying down his life for me as Christ did for the church, regardless of whether he really is or not.  If he is not obeying God’s standards for husbands, it is not my job to be the Holy Spirit to him.  I am to live with him, having a gentle and quiet spirit, so that, Lord willing, without a word he may be won back to obedience, without one nag from me.  Even if this doesn’t happen, I am to continue to follow the biblical guidelines God has given to wives, refusing only if my husband asks me to directly sin.  Clay, I am sorry for the times that I have withheld respect and submission and love and service from you simply because I felt like you didn’t deserve it.  Lord, help me love him biblically whether he deserves it or not, as You have loved me when I don’t deserve it, and just as Clay loves me whether I am lovable or not.

*  of the many forms of disrespect that wives engage in without even realizing it.  It is disrespectful when I join in conversations that are basically women taking turns sharing things they don’t like about their husbands.  It is disrespectful to interrupt my husband when he’s talking to others, correct him when he gets details wrong, or answer for him.  It is disrespectful to act, talk, or treat my husband like he is my oldest child instead of the leader of my home.  It is disrespectful to verbally “pat my husband’s head” when he does something to serve me:  “Wow, he actually gave the kids a bath tonight.” “Oh, my goodness, he picked up his own clothes from the floor.  Does he have a fever?” “Bless his heart, he tried to get the kids dressed.  He did the best he could.”–as if I am the grownup admiring our child’s efforts to be helpful, even though they don’t quite measure up.  It is disrespectful to let others see or hear or especially take part in my disagreements with my husband.  It is disrespectful, even if it’s just in front of my children, to make fun of or roll my eyes when my husband does something to serve me or please me and it isn’t what I needed, or when he assumes leadership in a way that I don’t agree with.  It is disrespectful to complain that my husband is not stepping up to lead or to help with the children or the housework, and then correct or redo or disagree with him when he tries to do so.  This list could go on and on, but Clay, I am sorry for all the times and all the ways that I have been disrespectful to you without even realizing it.  Lord, help me to be ever vigilant of my words and attitudes, being careful to show respect always, even in disagreements.

*  of the many ways that wives usurp their husband’s leadership, just like Eve.  My husband is to be the head of my home, and as such, he will be the one held accountable before God for the decisions made in our family and for the many aspects of life that go on in our home.   Therefore, when I act as if the childcare decisions are mine to make alone, I am usurping his leadership.  When I act as if the home-making decisions are mine to make alone, I am usurping his leadership.  When I fill up our schedule with plans and activities and then just inform him where to be and what time, I am usurping his leadership.  When I am the one who knows all my children’s friends and my children’s likes and dislikes and struggles and achievements and heartbreaks and elations, and I don’t bother to share with him or encourage the children to share with him, I am usurping his leadership.  If he doesn’t take the iniative to be a part of all of these things, then it is my job to gently take them to him and lay them out for his opinions.  Yes, I am the primary care-giver to the children, so most of their interaction is with me each day, but that does not exempt him from leadership over childcare.  Yes, I may be the one on the front-lines making many of the decisions, but the decisions should be made after I’ve discussed the options with my husband and submitted to his opinion on what should be done.  Does this mean that I need to call him everytime the kids ask my permission to do something, or every time I’m at the store wondering whether to buy something?  No.  The idea would be to regularly be in conversation with him about all the aspects of home life so that I know what his stance is on different issues and I can make decisions feeling confident that those decisions are ones that would be in submission to his leadership.  I believe with all my heart that while we will both be held accountable for our actions as a dad and as a mom, he will be held accountable as a leader, and I will be held accountable as one who submitted (or didn’t submit) to my husband’s leadership.  Just as he will be held accountable for all the areas in which he failed to step up and lead, I will be held accountable for the areas in which I simply took the reins without including him.  Clay, I’m sorry for the times when I have taken over leadership in our home and with our children.  Lord, please give me a heart of submission.  Help me to act slowly, pausing to think about my husband’s desires and goals for our home and for our family–seeking him out if those desires and goals aren’t already clear–and then acting accordingly.  May my husband’s lack of leadership never be because I have stolen that position from him.

*  of the way we let the opinions of others dictate the actions and lifestyles of our families.  There have been times when I knew my kids shouldn’t watch a certain movie or tv show or have a certain toy, but I let them anyway because that’s what the group was doing and I was afraid of looking weird for having a  different standard of what my kids watch or play with.  There have been times when I stood by while my children have acted inappropriately, knowing that I should correct them, but keeping my mouth shut because the other moms saw no problem with how the children were acting and I didn’t want to seem too strict.  There have been times when I have said, “Your daddy would die if he saw us right now,” but proceeded anyway because I cared too much about what people thought of me and didn’t have enough backbone to be the only parent saying no.  Clay, I am sorry for the times when I let my fear of man take precedence over being a godly wife and a godly mom.  Lord, help me to remain true to the convictions You’ve given me, regardless of whether they fit into popular opinion or not.  Help me aim for the crown of life, not for the approval of others.

I feel like I could go on and on and on, and I’m sure there will be more posts on marriage and family in the future, but these are the main convictions God has laid on me over the past couple of weeks.  Too often, we don’t think about whether we are being biblical wives, instead just going along with the flow around us.  We just act like every other wife, modeling ourselves after people we know instead of after the pattern laid out in Scripture.  If we act in the way that comes naturally to us, if we act in the way that is the norm in society, chances are very good that we will not be acting biblically.  Living biblically will never be the  norm in this life, and living biblically will never be the main inclination of sinful flesh.  So if you are just like all the other wives around you, then there are most likely areas in which you need to do some serious heart surgery.  Be bold.  Have the courage to be different from all the other wives.  If people start to think you’re weird, so be it.  I know I’m going to fail in these areas again, because this kind of mindset is difficult to maintain, thanks to the sinful flesh still warring with my spirit.  But I refuse to remain in my failures.  Lord, help me be a biblical wife, regardless of whether my husband is a biblical husband (and thank you for giving me such a godly man who most often does love me biblically), and help me to be a biblical wife, regardless of whether any other woman around me is living the same way or not (and thank you for placing other women in my life who are striving for biblical obedience in their marriages so that I am not alone.)

The Wedding!!!

So for those who don’t know, we were in Somerset last week to celebrate with Chad and Britani, two very dear friends, as they became their own family.   In a moment of questionable sanity, Britani asked not only for me to be a bridesmaid, but for all three of my girls to be flower girls.  The planning went on for more than a year, and it all finally culminated last weekend.  As the day approached, I became more and more nervous.  It was worse than my own wedding!!  I was so afraid one of my girls would do something disruptive during the ceremony.  But, thank goodness, my fears were in vain.  The planning, the work, the dreams all came together in a beautiful, nearly perfect day.  The bride was beautiful, no one argued or got upset (at least to my knowledge), the decorations were finished and in place and perfect, and the little girls did the best that anyone could have asked them to do.  They were extremely cute in their dresses that Nanny made, three little flower girls and one little bell ringer.  Abigail played her part like a princess, which in her mind I’m sure she was.  Catherine was very deliberate with her petal-dropping, placing them gently on the floor one at a time as she walked down the aisle.  She still had a basket-full when she got to the front, and she stopped and turned around.  I could tell she was considering going back to drop the rest, so I whispered a rather frantic encouragement to come on and find her tape to stand on.  She came and I breathed a sigh of relief.  Elisabeth made her march much more quickly, came straight to Mommy and stood still, holding my hand.  I was again relieved.  But then she started swinging her basket around a little too much and dropped it, spilling the petals out onto the floor.  I held my breath.  The vows went on, and as they did, Elisabeth got down in the floor and began picking up the petals.  I caught Sheryl’s eye (the mother of the bride)–she motioned for me to leave her alone.  Elisabeth kept working, putting all the petals back in the basket.  She crawled a little further away.  I caught Sheryl’s eye again, she still said let her go.  More petals went in the basket.  Finally, she got all the ones that had spilled, but she started eyeing the petals at the end of the aisle runner.  She really wanted to start picking those up too.  I assessed the situation, and made a mommy-judgment call, picking up her basket and holding it.  She was on the verge of arguing with me, so I leaned down and whispered, “Do you want to go sit with Daddy?” who was seated at the front for just such a purpose.  She nodded, I motioned, she went, and I had another sigh of relief.  By this time Britani and Chad were pretty much married and I had missed the whole thing.  Elisabeth rejoined us as we left for the recessional, and with that, it was all over.  After some more pictures, we left for the reception where we partied and danced until 10:00.  My girls had an absolutely awesome time.  They jumped up and down for three full hours.  All three of them had a blast.  It was so fun watching them, and watching everyone else who had worked so hard to bring it all together getting to celebrate the perfect day, as well as the new family that had just been formed.

Congratulations, Britani and Chad!!  Thank you so much for letting us play such a special role in your special day.  We love you both and can’t wait to see what God has for your future.

On marriage (To Britani and Brooke)

Two very dear friends of mine are in that blissful stage of engagement–one still basking in the romance of a surprise Eiffel Tower proposal and one busily finishing up preparations as Saturday’s wedding inches closer and closer.  They are dreaming of dresses and flowers and honeymoons and houses, and looking forward with eager delight to settling down into newlywed bliss.  As I think of them and pray for them, I have a heart-full of things to say.  There are times in life when you just have to experience a particular situation for yourself to truly understand it, and there are times in life when you can prepare and be advised beforehand.  Marriage is both.  So here is my heart on marriage–formed through reading what Godly women have written, through the examples of Godly women around me, and through my own nine years experience.  I pray that my friends (and anyone else who may benefit) will read it, pray through it, discard what may be faulty advice, and find something helpful for their own new journey of marriage.

Dear Britani and Brooke,

The time of engagement is a time when everyone feels qualified and obliged to offer advice to the bride-to-be.  Unfortunately, that advice is not always helpful or even encouraging.  So I want to share with you from my heart.  This is not advice; this is just my heart on marriage–what it can be and what it doesn’t have to be, no matter what everyone else says.  I know that my nine years of marriage is a drop in the bucket compared to some couples who have been blessed with many many years together, but we’ve squeezed an amazing amount of life changes into our nine years, and it’s in those times that one grows the most and learns the most.

The first thing I thought of when contemplating what I wanted to share with you is this:  No matter what anyone says, the romance does not have to end when the wedding does.  I heard a thousand times before we were married, “He’s romantic now, but just you wait. That will all fade soon enough.” Well, of course things change; they were right about that.  But different is not bad, just different.  There may not be money in the budget for a night out every week anymore, or extravagant gifts, once you’re out on your own and paying your own bills.  But make the effort to keep the romance alive.  Save up and splurge every once in a while (we’ve enjoyed nights at a bed and breakfast, a trip or two just the two of us, a weekend marriage retreat, a night at the symphony, even a hot-air balloon ride)–but “romance” doesn’t have to be big and glitzy.  Nurture romance through little things like holding hands, buying cards, flirting, laughing at inside jokes.  Life will give you plenty of memories–keep pulling them out and reminiscing over them.  Don’t let bills and jobs and individual interests pull you in different directions to the point of becoming two people who live in the same house but have forgotten how they got there. Take the time and make the effort to be romantic.

Something else I heard often in the months leading up to my own marriage was wives complaining over different habits their husbands had.  The habits in question were just small, petty things, but they had escalated so much from years of resentment and irritation that they had become a major issue that was difficult to ignore and was actually eating away at the relationship.  Yes, although it may be hard to believe now and not that I’m wanting to pour cold water on the dreams of bliss you have right now, your prince charming will turn into a frog all too soon.  Not completely, but he will have those irritating habits, too, just like all those other husbands that women complain about every time they get together.  He will do things like stack the dishes all over the counter instead of setting them in the sink.  Things like nod his head and grunt in all the right places while you’re talking to him, and then have no clue whatsoever what you just said.  Things like forget to tell you until that morning that he’s made plans for you for that evening.  So you have a choice:  what will you do?  Be like all those other wives and just get irritated and complain until these issues begin to color your very view of your hubby?  You would do well to instead remember the times that you let his sock drawer go completely empty before you did laundry, times that you went to the grocery store and stocked up on all your favorites without even considering what special requests he might have, times that you just completely forgot to do the only thing that he asked you to do for him that day.  Yeah, he’s going to drop the ball sometimes.  But so are you.  Make up your mind to have an attitude of forgiveness, of not expecting perfection that no one could deliver, of choosing to love even when you don’t feel like it.

Although there is so much more to be said on marriage, for now I just want to touch on one more thought:  in a world where the very definition of marriage is crumbling as fast as the divorce rate grows, how can you ensure that you’ll be the ones to make it?  The ones to celebrate anniversary after anniversary, til death do you part?  It’s simple:  don’t forget the foundation.  Just as an architect would never design a building without a foundation, they are foolish who design their marriage without the necessary foundation, and the foundation of marriage is Jesus Christ.  What is marriage but a symbol of the love that Christ has for His own bride, the church?  Do you want a deep, lasting, fulfilling marriage?  Then love as Christ loves.  Follow the principles laid out in Scripture for a biblical, God-honoring marriage.  These principles are not hard to find; the Bible speaks very clearly on how husbands and wives are to live with each other.  Pray together often.  Share with each other what God is doing in your lives.  Ask each other how you’re doing spiritually.  Do not allow your spiritual lives to be a private, unspoken area.  Speak to each other of God and His faithfulness, of your struggles and worries, of how you need prayer right now.  If you’re struggling spiritually, be honest about it.  If God’s just been knocking your socks off with His love, share that with your husband.  Be a spiritual encourager to him, and be gracious to receive the spiritual encouragement he may offer you.  This is the foundation.  Without this, your marriage will always be one step away from crumbling.

Oh, there is so much more I would love to share with you about marriage, and probably will share more in the future.  But for now, I’ve shared some of what I pray for you and your marriage.  You both are such a blessing in my life, and I feel so privileged to be a part of your journey toward marriage.  May God be very near to you as a couple and as individuals as you become your own family.  May you seek Him as never before, and may you find Him.  Love each other.  Not just a warm, fuzzy, happy feeling love, but a sacrificial, selfless, giving-everything-you-have kind of love.  This love will be difficult, even painful to give at times, but it is this love that lasts because it is this love that is a picture of how Christ loves us.