Not intentionally placed as a follow-up to yesterday’s blog, but maybe well-placed anyway, I just wanted to share my overwhelming joy with my children.

The early years are not often easy, especially when there are so many kids in the early years at the same time.  They can be full of so much training and teaching and discipline that it can seem like all you do is say “No” and “Don’t” all the time, without ever having any time for enjoying the blessings God has given you.  You go through the tough newborn stage when the baby is trying to adjust to living outside the womb and you get no sleep and no showers and so on.  Then after a brief respite you are suddenly constantly trying to corral a newly mobile toddler who is always getting into everything.  Then come the 2’s, then the 3’s, and you’re exhausted!  Multiply this by two or three or more kids, and it would be easy to be overwhelmed with the “work” of child-rearing and miss out on the joy of having children.  I have had times when, to my own regret and shame, I have let myself lose sight of the joy, but over the past year or so I have really been preaching to myself to see the joy of my children.   After all, for someone who wrote  what I wrote yesterday and who feels passionately the desire to have a biblical, God-honoring family with children who have been trained to be respectful and obedient, and who believes that kind of family will be one who has lots of fun and joy together, it is contradicting myself to let myself feel overwhelmed and worn out with my kids all the time!

So I’ve been looking for the joy, and when you look for it, it’s amazing how easy it is to find it!  Today I spent the morning with my three princesses, going to the Princess Party sponsored by the high school’s FBLA, where they got to dress up and meet the princesses and have their nails done and other girly-girl things.  The party was a bit unorganized and chaotic, but my Ariel and Sleeping Beauty and “Cinallella” had a great time!  It was so fun to see their pride in their princess hairstyles (I gave them each a braided bun) and watch them walking in their princess dresses and dress shoes, and to see their excitement at the  party.  I watched Abigail and Catherine play for more than two hours with just a few little princess figures, using their accents and princess manners, without a single selfish word.  I watched Elisabeth carry her baby around in its carrier, saying in her lady voice, “I’m Sarah and this is my baby Rylee.  Do you like to hold her?”  I watched Samuel take his first long series of steps last night, without a wobble, like it was no big thing.  I enjoyed the simple pleasures of ice cream at the gas station (we are in Salem, remember) tonight after dinner, watching their mouths and tongues turn bright blue.  I watched them share bites with Samuel, then heard the lady at the next table compliment them not only on their behavior tonight, but also from one day last week when she had seen us in McDonald’s.    I saw their pleasure in getting their hair rolled up in sponge rollers for church tomorrow.  I watched Abigail letting Elisabeth be her mommy for almost an hour, even letting her spank her a few times, and showing nothing but kindness and love to her little sister.  I watch them loving school, doing well, and enjoying learning.  I heard Abigail say, after seeing a book at the library called “First Grade Stinks,” “Well, if they think first grade stinks, they must not have their mommy as their teacher, because I do and  I love first grade!!”  And all that is just in the past two days!

There is so much joy to be found in our children.  Yes, training them is a lot of work.  Yes, we will make mistakes, and our kids will act up in public and embarrass us.  Yes, we will feel exhausted much of the time, especially if you have several close together.  Yes, your house will always seem to be messy and you won’t have a lot of time to yourself.  Yes, you will have more nights of interrupted sleep than of a good night’s rest.  But the joy  is there in all of that, if you can keep yourself from being too overwhelmed to see it.  I absolutely love my children.  The thought of having more sometimes makes me think, “Oh, just when I’m finally down to only one in diapers,” or “Just when they’re finally starting to get old enough to not get spankings every day and actually go a day or so between crying fits, why would I want to have another one?”  But while the work will start all over again, so would the joy.  Enjoy your children.  I regret every word I’ve ever said or written or typed that sounded negative about my kiddos.  It’s fine to acknowledge the truth of the difficulties of parenting, just not to let that become complaining and whining about my kids.  My life would be so empty without them.  So I am trying to take the hard days as they come, clean up the messes–whether it’s toothpaste all squeezed out of the tube, spilled drinks, toilet paper unrolled all the way down the hallway, or just the 47th messy diaper of the week–and keep it all in perspective.

My kids bring joy to my life.  Thank God for children.  I am so glad he let me be Abigail’s mommy, Catherine’s mommy, Elisabeth’s mommy, and Samuel’s mommy.

Have you ever known, as surely as you know that the sun will rise and set, known without a doubt, without one ounce of uncertainty, that God wanted you to do something? Have you ever spent some time running away in disobedience to that? Was it something that, once you finally did it, was well-accepted by those you love and who love you, or was it something that they couldn’t understand, something they may not have approved of, or something they were flat-out against?

God has been dealing with me for the past year or so on one certain issue, and I feel like all the convictions that I have been fighting for this past year on this issue have culminated in my heart over the past month or so, and I am actually physically weary from the battles that have been going on in my mind and heart. I share this with you, at the risk of rejection or, at the least, of being misunderstood, because these convictions and the resulting decision will probably have an impact on some of your lives. Even though I’ve kept this blog for more than two years now, I have not often bared my soul, not the deep depths. It’s easy to keep things surface level, but this is a time that I feel it necessary to share my heart in a very personal way.

Several years ago, somewhere between the births of our first and second children, Clay and I began to feel deeply convicted about family planning, and birth control, and whether or not we truly trusted God with our family size and spacing. We did some research, found some facts that aren’t widely known, and spent a lot of time in prayer and in the word of God to find His guidance to help us make these decisions. We came to the conclusion that He would have us trust Him–not science or medicine or any kind of special timing–completely for our family and children. This isn’t something we talked about because we knew it wasn’t “normal” and probably wouldn’t be well-received. So, while we freely told people we wanted a large family, we didn’t freely share our convictions about not using any kind of birth control unless we knew for sure that the person we were sharing with was like-minded. So the babies came, and our fourth child was born when our oldest was just five. Through it all, our circumstances, as you know, went up and down and were basically crazy. The announcement of our fourth pregnancy was not met with much rejoicing, and while I was still unwavering in the conviction that God would provide for whatever children He sent us, I was beginning to waver in my commitment to obeying that conviction. So, after Samuel was born, we decided to “take a break” from having children. We tried to make it clear that we weren’t done, but we would try to build some space in between Samuel and any other children.

The problem is that for the entire year since we made that decision, I have not been able to shake the feeling that I was directly disobeying what God had called me to do. We told G0d those years ago, that we would trust Him. He has provided for every child He’s given us so far. Sometimes He used other people helping us out to provide, but He provided. He gave us a stable, fulfilling job and home here in Salem, with an income that is not only adequate for paying bills, but is also paying down credit card balances little by little and even allowing for a few extras. It has been a long, long time since we looked at the numbers and wondered how they would work out. But even while watching Him provide, I was in a sense telling Him that even though He was taking care of us, I didn’t trust Him with the timing of any more children we may have. So lately, we’ve been examining our hearts to see why we decided the call to trust Him could be set aside, and whether that was guided by pure motivations.

When we decided to take a break, we said it was because of trying to be wise financially–to get our finances a bit more stable before we added more children. Well, while Terminix was unstable–we never knew from month to month what Clay would make–those times are thankfully behind us. Then we moved here, and so it became “We’ll take a break until our house sells, and we can add on to this house, making it possible to bring another baby home.” But we’ve seen God’s provision even in that situation, with our mortgage being taken care of through our renter, and even though we don’t know how much longer it will be until our house sells, Clay has been able to pick up some work here and there to make some extra money, and will be subbing soon, and we have no reason to think that God’s provision will automatically stop if our renter moves out before our house sells.

So then what’s our true motivation for taking a break? I’m speaking for myself here, but for me, the break became a way to be accepted by others. For some reason, people are threatened by families with a lot of children. Threatened to the point that they feel the need to make rude comments, ask rude questions, and pass judgment on the parents who would have the audacity to have more than three children. I have spent my whole life being governed by a fear of man, wanting to be accepted, not ever wanting to be thought “weird”, just wanting to fit in. Telling people that we weren’t going to have any more kids for awhile calmed their rude inquiries and made me feel more accepted. Also, more personally, it became a way to seek the approval of those I love the most. Because you care so much for us and love us and want to see us well-taken care of, you would really rather we didn’t have more children, and probably think that we’re foolish to talk about adding to our family when we don’t have a financial cushion built up. I understand your motivations, and I appreciate your love for us, but for the past year I’ve been willing to directly disobey what I know without a doubt God has told me to do, just to have your approval. Please understand that we are not trying to be foolish, and we don’t take lightly the need to be able to provide financially for our children. We know we don’t have the means to live a certain lifestyle, but we also know that we serve a God who will provide exactly enough.

I need you to know that your approval and acceptance means so much to me. I love you all and the thought of disappointing you breaks my heart. I need you to know that so that you will understand the depth of the conviction we have that this is what God wants us to do. We aren’t doing this just because we want a lot of kids. We are compelled to this lifestyle. I know no other word for it. I have never felt a call so strong before. I cannot ignore it any longer. We don’t know what He will do with our trust in this area. He may just see if we obey His call to put all our trust in Him, then keep our family just as it is, or He may send us one or two or even more children. I would not take this step of faith, risking disapproval and disappointment from the very ones I want most to please on this earth outside my husband, if I were not absolutely sure without a doubt that it was what God was telling me to do. I have every confidence that God will provide for us, and if those who help us out were to stop doing so, I know without a doubt that He would continue to provide in another way. If our house takes another year to sell, I know that He will provide. If we’re never able to move into a bigger house, I know that He will take care of us. Please don’t worry about us. Please trust Him with us.

Each one of you at one time or another in your lives, I’m sure, have known God was telling you to do something. Big or small, if you disobeyed it, you know how I’ve been feeling. I can’t disobey anymore. I once told God I trusted Him, and now I’m telling Him that again. Based on my history, this trust may soon be followed with the announcement of a pregnancy, and I would love to be able to look forward to sharing that news and rejoicing with those I love, instead of worrying about what their reactions will be.

I’ve wondered over the past month why God would call us to this lifestyle, me who has always been so worried about what other people think. Why would He call me to live in such a way that not only my close family doesn’t understand, but friends, acquaintances, and even complete strangers think is strange, foolish, or even wrong, and feel no shame in saying so? I don’t know completely, but I do know this: I myself will probably never achieve great things. I will probably never go overseas and win a lost tribe to Christ. I will probably never travel around speaking to thousands of women and impacting them for Christ. I will probably never have best-sellers on the market, reaching millions with the wisdom of my written words. I may never impact anyone outside my own small circle of influence. But I am daily depending on the grace of God to train these small lives up in such a way that, Lord willing and if He gives them the grace of salvation, they will have their own circles of influence that will reach wider than mine ever could. Maybe one of them will do something great. Maybe my sixth child will be the next Billy Graham or Jim Elliot, and that’s why He wants to keep giving me babies. Maybe not, maybe my children will all lead quiet lives like me. But even if that’s the case, I can reach far more people through my large family than I ever could on my own. If we raise godly, biblically-minded children who marry godly, biblically-minded spouses and raise godly, biblically-minded children and so on and so on, then I will have made my mark on the kingdom. Could I do that with only two children? Sure. But that’s not what God wants me to do. Children can be raised up to be soldiers for Christ, and there is nothing we need more in this day and age of the Muslim families having five children to every Christian family’s one. For some reason, God wants me to supply more soldiers than is deemed socially appropriate.

So, what’s the point of writing this and publishing it for all to see? Well, it’s not to try to make some veiled announcement, so don’t start asking me if I’m pregnant. If and when the time comes, I’ll announce it in a way that will not be vague, I promise. I guess I’m just trying to pave the way, to give you a chance to get used to the possibility so that you can pray through whatever fears and frustrations this may cause. To try to help you make sense of our crazy lifestyle and why we have this crazy idea, and just to share my heart and convictions and maybe encourage anyone else who may be grappling with this. We are not being flippant or careless. Believe me, I’ve shed enough tears to fill several of God’s bottles at the thought of being misunderstood by those I love most. God called us here. We cannot but obey. Children are a blessing from the Lord. So when the time comes that He acts upon our trust and sends us another blessing, please rejoice with us without worry or doubt, and then sit back and watch with amazement as He provides yet again.

Recently I have had several occasions to think deeply about what it means to be a godly wife.  Through a couple of books I’ve read, a couple of classes I’ve taught, a couple of classes I’ve attended, and just a few conversations I’ve had, the Holy Spirit has been working to strengthen convictions that were already strong in my heart, as well as to show me areas where conviction was needed but was lacking.  I share them here so that I can publicly commit to my husband to be striving for more consistent obedience in these areas, and also so that maybe others can be encouraged by the Spirit’s work in a sister-in-Christ.

I’ve been convicted of:

*  the truth that my call to obedience as a wife does not depend on my husband’s obedience.  I should not hold submission and respect in my hand, only releasing them if he indeed loves me as Christ loves the church.  I should not spend my time evaluating my husband, adjusting my treatment of him to his treatment of me.  Instead, I should simply obey Scripture:  submit to his leadership, respect him, love him, serve him.   I should do these things just as if he is laying down his life for me as Christ did for the church, regardless of whether he really is or not.  If he is not obeying God’s standards for husbands, it is not my job to be the Holy Spirit to him.  I am to live with him, having a gentle and quiet spirit, so that, Lord willing, without a word he may be won back to obedience, without one nag from me.  Even if this doesn’t happen, I am to continue to follow the biblical guidelines God has given to wives, refusing only if my husband asks me to directly sin.  Clay, I am sorry for the times that I have withheld respect and submission and love and service from you simply because I felt like you didn’t deserve it.  Lord, help me love him biblically whether he deserves it or not, as You have loved me when I don’t deserve it, and just as Clay loves me whether I am lovable or not.

*  of the many forms of disrespect that wives engage in without even realizing it.  It is disrespectful when I join in conversations that are basically women taking turns sharing things they don’t like about their husbands.  It is disrespectful to interrupt my husband when he’s talking to others, correct him when he gets details wrong, or answer for him.  It is disrespectful to act, talk, or treat my husband like he is my oldest child instead of the leader of my home.  It is disrespectful to verbally “pat my husband’s head” when he does something to serve me:  “Wow, he actually gave the kids a bath tonight.” “Oh, my goodness, he picked up his own clothes from the floor.  Does he have a fever?” “Bless his heart, he tried to get the kids dressed.  He did the best he could.”–as if I am the grownup admiring our child’s efforts to be helpful, even though they don’t quite measure up.  It is disrespectful to let others see or hear or especially take part in my disagreements with my husband.  It is disrespectful, even if it’s just in front of my children, to make fun of or roll my eyes when my husband does something to serve me or please me and it isn’t what I needed, or when he assumes leadership in a way that I don’t agree with.  It is disrespectful to complain that my husband is not stepping up to lead or to help with the children or the housework, and then correct or redo or disagree with him when he tries to do so.  This list could go on and on, but Clay, I am sorry for all the times and all the ways that I have been disrespectful to you without even realizing it.  Lord, help me to be ever vigilant of my words and attitudes, being careful to show respect always, even in disagreements.

*  of the many ways that wives usurp their husband’s leadership, just like Eve.  My husband is to be the head of my home, and as such, he will be the one held accountable before God for the decisions made in our family and for the many aspects of life that go on in our home.   Therefore, when I act as if the childcare decisions are mine to make alone, I am usurping his leadership.  When I act as if the home-making decisions are mine to make alone, I am usurping his leadership.  When I fill up our schedule with plans and activities and then just inform him where to be and what time, I am usurping his leadership.  When I am the one who knows all my children’s friends and my children’s likes and dislikes and struggles and achievements and heartbreaks and elations, and I don’t bother to share with him or encourage the children to share with him, I am usurping his leadership.  If he doesn’t take the iniative to be a part of all of these things, then it is my job to gently take them to him and lay them out for his opinions.  Yes, I am the primary care-giver to the children, so most of their interaction is with me each day, but that does not exempt him from leadership over childcare.  Yes, I may be the one on the front-lines making many of the decisions, but the decisions should be made after I’ve discussed the options with my husband and submitted to his opinion on what should be done.  Does this mean that I need to call him everytime the kids ask my permission to do something, or every time I’m at the store wondering whether to buy something?  No.  The idea would be to regularly be in conversation with him about all the aspects of home life so that I know what his stance is on different issues and I can make decisions feeling confident that those decisions are ones that would be in submission to his leadership.  I believe with all my heart that while we will both be held accountable for our actions as a dad and as a mom, he will be held accountable as a leader, and I will be held accountable as one who submitted (or didn’t submit) to my husband’s leadership.  Just as he will be held accountable for all the areas in which he failed to step up and lead, I will be held accountable for the areas in which I simply took the reins without including him.  Clay, I’m sorry for the times when I have taken over leadership in our home and with our children.  Lord, please give me a heart of submission.  Help me to act slowly, pausing to think about my husband’s desires and goals for our home and for our family–seeking him out if those desires and goals aren’t already clear–and then acting accordingly.  May my husband’s lack of leadership never be because I have stolen that position from him.

*  of the way we let the opinions of others dictate the actions and lifestyles of our families.  There have been times when I knew my kids shouldn’t watch a certain movie or tv show or have a certain toy, but I let them anyway because that’s what the group was doing and I was afraid of looking weird for having a  different standard of what my kids watch or play with.  There have been times when I stood by while my children have acted inappropriately, knowing that I should correct them, but keeping my mouth shut because the other moms saw no problem with how the children were acting and I didn’t want to seem too strict.  There have been times when I have said, “Your daddy would die if he saw us right now,” but proceeded anyway because I cared too much about what people thought of me and didn’t have enough backbone to be the only parent saying no.  Clay, I am sorry for the times when I let my fear of man take precedence over being a godly wife and a godly mom.  Lord, help me to remain true to the convictions You’ve given me, regardless of whether they fit into popular opinion or not.  Help me aim for the crown of life, not for the approval of others.

I feel like I could go on and on and on, and I’m sure there will be more posts on marriage and family in the future, but these are the main convictions God has laid on me over the past couple of weeks.  Too often, we don’t think about whether we are being biblical wives, instead just going along with the flow around us.  We just act like every other wife, modeling ourselves after people we know instead of after the pattern laid out in Scripture.  If we act in the way that comes naturally to us, if we act in the way that is the norm in society, chances are very good that we will not be acting biblically.  Living biblically will never be the  norm in this life, and living biblically will never be the main inclination of sinful flesh.  So if you are just like all the other wives around you, then there are most likely areas in which you need to do some serious heart surgery.  Be bold.  Have the courage to be different from all the other wives.  If people start to think you’re weird, so be it.  I know I’m going to fail in these areas again, because this kind of mindset is difficult to maintain, thanks to the sinful flesh still warring with my spirit.  But I refuse to remain in my failures.  Lord, help me be a biblical wife, regardless of whether my husband is a biblical husband (and thank you for giving me such a godly man who most often does love me biblically), and help me to be a biblical wife, regardless of whether any other woman around me is living the same way or not (and thank you for placing other women in my life who are striving for biblical obedience in their marriages so that I am not alone.)

Credit for this blog post goes to my dear hubby, who made some observations the other day about how Samuel has learned to cope in this family. Give a baby 14 months, and he will learn some pretty advanced skills for surviving in the family in which God has placed him. Here is some of what Samuel has learned:

* If you drop something, go ahead and say “No-no” because that is what someone is about to say to you.

* If Elisabeth comes anywhere near you, just go on and start crying to save time.

* If someone is trying to dress you, hug you, or otherwise bother you, start saying “Owwww, owwwww” over and over until they stop.

* If your mom lays you down for a nap, and you don’t want to take a nap, but she just keeps coming in to lay you down again, go on and fill up your diaper, forcing her to release you from your prison-crib for at least a few minutes.

* After your diaper is changed, if she insists on laying you back down, stand up in your crib and start banging on the wall. She’ll be in there in a flash because she’ll be afraid you’ll wake up your sister who is napping in the adjoining room.

* The proper response to the smiling, hug-giving parent who comes to get you after you wake up is to point at your toys and demand, “Ball!”

* You do not have to walk. You can get anywhere you want by crawling like the wind, or climbing on every available surface. If either of these fails you, don’t worry. Someone will just pick you up and carry you.

* If you’re whining and being ignored, simply bang your head on the floor. Yes, it will hurt, but at least it will upgrade your whine to a real cry and you will finally get picked up, which is what you wanted all along.

* If you don’t like your supper, simply throw every piece into the floor. Your parents will get so desperate for you to just eat something, that they’ll eventually start bringing out the good stuff because they know you’ll eat it. That way, you can end up eating cheese, yogurt, bananas, or goldfish at every meal if you want.

* When you’re told to tell someone night-night, this means you may as well go on and start leaning toward them because they’re going to ask for a kiss next.

* When your sisters work hard at putting all their princess toys and Littlest Pet Shop toys and dollhouse toys and My Little Pony toys into their separate baskets, they are doing this so that as soon as their done, you can go behind them and throw every one of them back out into the floor.

* If your sisters then insist on playing at the table with their toys, supposedly so that you can’t reach them, you can show them who’s boss by figuring out how to climb up into a chair, giving you easy access to climb up onto the table and then the loot is all yours.

* And finally, when your sisters continuously torment you by putting pink necklaces on you and giving you baby dolls and trying to otherwise feminize you, just act like you enjoy it. After all, you already weigh as much as one sister, and the time will come when you can just flatten them all.

Finally some fall pictures to share!  The first part is from our Connect Group Fall Party, the Saturday before Halloween.  It was so much fun:  watching the kids run around and laugh and play, roasting hot dogs, carving pumpkins, smashing a pinata, making s’more’s, and going on a hayride.  Our kids had a blast, and we did too.  What a great group of friends God has blessed us with here at this church and in this particular class.  The last half of the pictures, of course, are from Halloween.  We spent the morning in Marion with the Combs family, trick-or-treating down Main Street.  Very crowded, but lots of fun.  We went home, rested a while, emptied the pumpkins of their morning haul, and headed to our church’s Harvest Party to fill up again.  Haven’t heard official numbers yet, but the guess is that we fed around 500 people at the chili supper, and there very well could have been more there that didn’t eat.  Not bad for a town of 700!  The Activities Team put on a great event, and once again we had a blast.  Clay debuted his cow-print suit, which immediately had people daring him to wear it Sunday morning to lead worship.  They started a pot, which grew to $165 before the night was over, which would have gone to him had he given in.  But my husband is a man of principle to his core, and he would not ignore the conviction that worship is a time of reverence and focus on the glory of God, and nothing about wearing a cow-print suit on a dare would add to that reverence.  So, to the amazement of some, he refrained.  I love being married to a man of convictions.  But we still had a great night playing games, winning prizes, and riding a mini-hayride.  When we got home and dumped out all the candy from the whole day, it weighed in a 6 1/2 pounds!  And Samuel didn’t even have a bucket, so I can just imagine what next year’s loot will look like.  So the moral of the story is:  If you give my children presents at Christmas, PLEASE don’t give them candy.  We have enough to last quite awhile!!!  Happy fall, everyone!

In our house we hear lots of interesting words, sentences, and conversations that we take in stride, not even thinking how they might sound to someone outside our little world. Every now and then, though, I stop to think about how weird some of our conversations actually are.
Case in point–I bet you didn’t hear any of this at your dinner table last night:
“Catherine, please stop chanting ‘pee-pee,’ and Elisabeth, we don’t howl at the dinner table.”
“Elisabeth, get your fingers out of your drink.”
“No, sit in your seat, not on the table.”
“Oh, he just decorated his shirt with clam chowder.”
“Elisabeth, get your fingers out of your drink.”
“Wow, that fruit looks really good in your hair, bud! Better than gel!!”
“Elisabeth, get your fingers out of your drink.”
“Oh, yuck. Honey, you can’t open your mouth until after you swallow your milk!”

Just a few examples. Anyone with little kids could give more. And these were just what we said, and it doesn’t even count all the funny things they say each and every day. Oh, the things you never imagined you’d hear on a regular basis. Having kids changes everything.

Well, I’m officially 30.  No more “2″ in front of my age.  I guess this is a big deal.  I’m not really feeling that it’s a big deal.  Being 30 doesn’t really make me feel old.  Having a child that’s already 6 and closing in on 7 is what makes me feel old.  It doesn’t seem right that I should be 30, though.  I still feel like a kid playing house.  Is it really possible that I’m a grown-up, living with my husband in our own house and have four children?  No way.  One morning I’ll wake up and still be a teenager and it will all have been a dream, right?  Well, if it is a dream, I hope I don’t wake up any time soon because I’m loving it.

I can’t say that I’m exactly where I dreamed of being, at this point in my life, because I never would have pictured the path my life has taken.  When I remember the ideas and plans we had as we looked into the future, it just makes me laugh now.  We were so clueless, as is everyone when they’re dreaming out their lives.  You get out on your own, and life smacks you around a little, and then you grow up.  Sometimes the path God lays out for you seems better than the one you imagined, and sometimes it seems worse.  But it’s always best, and I am so glad He vetoed many of our grandiose schemes.  I love where 30 finds me.  The blessings and mercies in my life far outweigh the trials, and always have–even when the trials were all I could see at the moment.

“The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.  The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance….Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure…You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy, at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”  Psalm 16:5-6,9,11.

Over the hill?  No way.  I scoff at the hill.  Life is good, and since the Lord is my chosen portion and it is He who pours my cup, it can only remain good.  Bring on the 30’s.  I can’t wait to see what He has in store along this new path in my life.  After all, the best is yet to come, right?

At the Beth Moore conference this past weekend, her main text for the three sessions was Exodus 34:6-7, where God, after being asked by Moses to show Himself and refusing, gives us a beautiful description of Himself.  He calls Himself “‘The Lord, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin…’”

As I listened to her teaching on each of these attributes, and then continued to mull them over in my mind over the past couple of days, my heart was just filled with the realization that I haven’t fully embraced some of these attributes of God.  God describes Himself as merciful and gracious–meaning not only does He withhold the punishment that we do deserve, but He bestows incredible favor upon us that we don’t deserve.  He says He is slow to anger and forgives iniquity and transgression and sin, which assures us that He’s not just waiting for us to mess up so that He can zap us.  He tells us that He will keep His love steadfast, or maintain His love, which is a promise that He will guard His love for us and keep it ever constant, regardless of our actions or failures.  What does it do to your heart to see God describe Himself in this way?  I’ll tell you what it did to mine.

It made me realize that there is evidence in my life of unbelief in some of God’s attributes.  He showed me that I carry so much guilt over our past poor stewardship in the area of finances, that it colors the way I look at current circumstances.  Because I carry that guilt, I see every new thing that comes up that will require unplanned expenses (and life brings a lot of those situations in a family of six) as just another consequence, or maybe even punishment, for our past failures.  But the Bible teaches that when God forgives, He throws that sin into the sea.  This doesn’t mean that there will not still be consequences for sin, but He does not continue to look for ways to punish us for past sin.  Why?  Because for believers, our sin has already been punished once for all on the Cross.  Therefore we can live each day with confidence.  Confidence that, even though it is bound up in our human nature that we will mess up, God has promised to be slow to anger.  Confidence that He loves to pour out mercy and grace upon His children.  Confidence that He abounds in love and faithfulness.  Confidence that He has promised to guard that love, keep it steadfast for a thousand generations.  And confidence that He will indeed forgive our failures.  Yes, there may be natural consequences that God allows us to face, but even in those consequences, He pours out His grace.  Just to go back to my personal example–we are still making relatively large payments on our credit cards, but each month He is faithful to provide.  He has not just abandoned us, even when our situation is due to our own sin.  He is faithful, He provides, He keeps the promises of Who He says He is.  So I will persevere to retrain my mind, to not just immediately sink into discouragement with every unplanned expense, to shake off the guilt and step into a walk of faith and trust and confidence that God will keep His promises to me.

But I also realized that confidence alone is not the proper response to these truths of God’s nature.  Confidence alone could lead to being careless with God’s grace, being careless with the knowledge that He will indeed forgive.  Confidence alone could lead to living like grace gives us a license to sin.  Paul addresses this type of thinking in Romans 6:  “What shall we say then?  Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound?  By no means!  How can we who died to sin still live in it?”  (v 1-2)  If the only mindset that comes from understanding the attribrutes of God is confidence, then it will be too easy to just carelessly and knowingly sin, in an arrogant confidence that God will forgive anyway.

No, confidence must be accompanied by astonishment.  Astonishment comes from the heart of one who knows the depth of their depravity, and has yet been told that God loves them anyway.  Astonishment looks upon God’s mercy and forgiveness and unmerited favor with awe, with reverence, with pure worship and gratitude.  Astonishment alone is not enough either, because without confidence, astonishment could lead to disbelief in God’s promises and the assumption that they must not be true for me.  I think this is where I’ve been living lately.  I knew I had messed up, and although I never would have said it out loud or agreed with someone else who did, my mindset showed that part of me believed that God wouldn’t forgive that sin.  I was astonished that God would forgive me, and because I lacked the confidence to grasp that promise, I’ve been living under the weight of doubting God’s words.

But when astonishment meets confidence, God’s promises will be received and believed with the proper mixture of awe, reverence, worship, and true freedom from the chains that have been broken.  One who receives God’s promises with astonished confidence will never take them lightly.  He will feel the weight of the cost of the grace being bestowed on him–the cost being Calvary.  He will never abuse that grace by sinning freely under a guarantee of unlimited forgiveness.  But he will also never walk under the weight of guilt over past sins.  He will truly live like one forgiven.  Even if he is still paying the natural consequences for his sin, he will understand that God’s love and grace is still present.  He will realize that God abounds in love for him, and has promised to guard that love and never let it fade.

If you have one without the other, it will require a re-training of your thoughts to get out of the rut in which you’ve been walking.  Preach to yourself.  Repeat God’s promises straight out of His Word.  Ask someone to hold you accountable when you start slipping back into old thought habits.  A child of God should not be walking around under a cloud of guilt because he lacks confidence, nor should he be walking around being flippant with his own depravity and the sacrifice of Christ at Calvary.  Let us do whatever it takes to discipline our minds to receive the love, mercy, grace, forgiveness, and faithfulness of God with astonished confidence.